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For My Loved Ones-- Never Forgotten ___2003-11-10 - 9:33 p.m.

The more I'm alone, the more I think of those I've left behind. In many weakened moments did I profess the contrary-- you left me behind. No matter what happened in our past to drive rifts between us, I can finally look beyond to those that were dear. How could I have been so blind to your love? Easy. I was too caught up in my own foolhardy desires to see the truth. You were my best friends.

I talked to Quin recently. God, how I missed her sense of humor and insightfulness. It amazed me that she could laugh at my lame attempt at a joke. I thank you for laughing. It brightened that cold night to know that you did. How is it that you could always look beyond my countenance to see what I really felt? How did you know that I needed to hear how they were doing? Me thinks your insight borders on extrasensory perception.

You asked about Mimi. Was she my friend? You asked me but those words hurt. Yes, I had believed her to be. But she and I differed on one subject that put a permanent disagreement between us. I believed I was in love. She told me I could do better. Was it wrong to accept that love? The first love that was given so freely to my own cold heart? I couldn't say. That love blinded me to my friend-- a friend who cared too much for me to see me "ruin my life." I never thanked you for caring. I should have before I continued to grow apart from you. I miss your confidence. I miss your faith in my inner beauty that you alone could see. I wish to be your friend again. I'm sorry for doubting myself and your belief in me.

Quin, your wisdom brought many old memories flooding to my blind eyes that night. When you spoke of sudden dreams starring loves never returned, I spoke three names. One, David, was the unattainable. A bright youth whose friendship dissipated after his moving. I only wish we had more time. Maybe then I would have more to say about him. The second, Paul, was the one that I never liked talking about with any of you. And the third . . . Aaron.

I think I shocked you by saying that. Yes, I loved Aaron, my best friend. He was the one that inflamed my passion. He showed me that fiery emotions were not my enemy. They were just another part of what it means to be human. I think I even told you about "My Best Friend's Wedding" promise to myself. If I reached thirty and was still a virgin . . . I would feel fulfilled to lose that innocense with him. When I told myself that, I believed no one could ever desire me. I was wrong. Thank you, Aaron, for believing. That love you ended your letters with filled me always. Your words never left me cold. If I saw you, as an unattached woman, I would be tempted to tell you the truth about "Volume X." I dared never tell you that you inspired me to write them. I thought I left enough clues. But in my heart, I think you knew. There was something in your eyes when you looked at me then. You knew, didn't you? You knew I wanted you. Thank you for never taking advantage of that want. Because of that, I know that you did truly love me as any true friend would. I still miss your hugs. I always have. In your arms, I felt that love you had for me in our youth. A love that would only once be paralleled. Do you remember those words you said to me so very long ago? Here is my response, if I could find you tomorrow . . . yes, I would come back to you. I never left. If you called on me, I would fly there in an instant if my self were capable. See what you've done to me over the years? You've made me a dreamer and seer. I see words, in a dream as it were, and they fly in thought like poetry on the wind. I never saw myself as a great writer. However, you saw my potential for seeing the breathtaking beauty that is . . . life. Thank you.

By far, the most hated and loved of the three past loves was Paul. Only I called him by his true name, a name that for me was the very intoxication of the wind, Nathan. Could I have believed that his name was meant for my lips alone? I could not say. I can only say now, still to this day, that name continues to whisper in the winds of my heart. Such pain and peace. He was a fire that burned in me for years. I will never forget how he infuriated me and quelled my desires in the same breath. But that fire burned within a green haze. He did not desire me with the same fury that I had him. Did you mean those words you spoke to me when I became unattainable? Tell me you didn't. If you did-- I don't want to think that I missed my chance. Instead, I believe it to be your humor . . . your revenge for how I embarrassed you so and drove myself from you all. What would I say to you if I had a chance? I don't know. Maybe I'd just look into those eyes that I watched for so long. I still fear what I would see. Contempt? Dare I say lov-- no. No matter what, I cannot believe that you cared for me. If you walked up to me, embraced me, and spoke those three words . . . I still could not bear it. Forgive me for my foolishness. I never meant to hurt you. At the time, I only wanted our two lonely souls to be together. I should never have assumed that you were lonely. I never should have assumed that you instead loved her. I'm sorry, Nathan. I just wanted to be close to you. My greatest memories of us were when I believed us to be "friends." I'd rather have that than your love. I know that. My selfishness tells me that it would more likely be so.

In my pain, I blamed whom had been with me for years as a true friend for the loss of Nathan's gaze. Amar. He wanted you. I kept telling myself that. If he couldn't want me, then he must've wanted my better. And instead of telling you both that, I shunned you. I couldn't be around you, my best friend, or him. But you . . . I never knew until Quin told me that you never took him for yourself. You remained faithful to our friendship, trying to convince him to look at me as I did him and "ask me to dance." He never went to a dance. For, believe me, if he had then I would have lost control and done something to regret. *blush* I know I would. Only he could ever do that to me. Why didn't I trust you? Why did I give in to my insecurities? Why didn't I believe that a friend was worth more than a guy? I don't know. Jealousy and envy blinded me to your kind and generous heart. I'm sorry. I never wanted to turn you away. I miss you, Amar, my first true best friend. So many years together . . . and I threw them all away. And for what? Because I believed I wasn't as good as you and that you were move deserving of his love? Such foolishness youth can hold.

Some days, Amar, I miss you and Quin so much that it hurts. I wish I could cry. But I can't. In my regret, I've shed tears many times since graduation. Three years. Nearly three years since I've seen you all-- since we were all together. Amar, Quin, Mimi, Aaron, and . . . yes, even that lunkhead Nathan that could never appreciate that blind love I held only for him. You were all my best friends then. I miss you all terribly. If only I had been a better friend to you, then maybe I'd be talking to you now instead of writing for deaf ears. Then again, as Quin showed me, maybe your ears never were deaf. I've spoken repeatedly of the blindness. I was blind to your friendship. I was blind to your love. If I could have another chance, I hope that I could be a real friend to you all this time. For another chance, I would give my heart fully this time. My point is that for you, my loved ones . . . I would try.

~~Duo no Tsuin