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Dreams, cars, and lust ___Mondaynight, Mar. 22, 2004 - 11:25 p.m.

**WARNING, thoughts of a writer with an overactive erotic imagination ahead***

This entry Rated PG-13

~~~

What am I doing?

A night of highs and lows. Of silence ... of sounds. Of talking ... of laughter. Of friendship ... of desire.

I want.

I need.

But I cannot have.

I'm not allowed to want.

Those who have already, are not deserving of another.

I knew things would be different with just the two of us there ... I was surprised, not by how vivid my imagination could be, by how much the reality mimicked my fantasy.

Better, even.

Am I just like my father after all?

One person should be enough.

But I find myself desiring more.

I won't take, I dream.

I dreamt of him this morning and woke up in a sweat.

Nothing nasty, not like you thought I meant.

But with some unexpected visitors during my supposed sleep.

I'll tell you tomorrow, if you ask: I felt alone and unsure with so many people around me ignoring me. And then you were there. All I remember is feeling ... no, thinking that you were a wonderful friend and I shouldn't let you go.

But I should.

And yet it breaks my heart to know I might never get the chance to tell you. Even though I have to.

I shouldn't have continued talking to him as he walked to his car ... but I did.

Next time, you walk me to my car.

"Why did you walk me to my car?" He asked.

Looking for a quick excuse, "Just making sure you won't get jumped and your (stuff) stolen."

He laughed.

We laughed a lot tonight.

You R INSane. That what's I keep telling myself.

And then he hugged me. Thank god I was holding my purse, workshirt (I took it off because I was too hot and sweaty. The night air was warm, so my sleeveless shirt I wear underneath was enough), and coat in my arms or else I might have returned the favor ... or more.

It felt so good.

So good, it must've been wrong.

He even touched my lower back. So ... nice ... and caressing.

I must be insane.

Did you smell the raspberries in my hair? Tomorrow, pear-mango and a little touching.

Inhale, if you want.

I'm just glad that he let me go. I don't know what would have happened if he didn't...

"Where's your car?"

"Back there, by the office."

"Then why did you walk all the way over here?"

I don't know. I just wanted to have some fun.

Maybe I just wanted the company.

I wanted a walk in the fresh air, some nice company, and conversation.

Hell, I just wanted to have a good-time.

"Hop in."

Excuse me?

You satisfy me, somehow.

"Since you walked all the way over here, the least I can do is drive you to your car."

Flattered? I was. At first, I said no. But as soon as he started up his car ... fine!

"It's not very far, though."

Seconds later, we were there.

How many girls have you had in this car?

I want to be her.

If I had stayed, then he would have kissed me.

But that's probably just my lustful imagination putting on heirs again, so probably not.

He doesn't like older women. ("Why get an older woman if she can't buy you liquor?")

Two years his senior. (Three in April when I can buy it.)

He just sees me as a friend.

He's told me this.

"Are you hitting on me?"

"No." It appears so, doesn't it? And since you don't want me, I just keep doing it. It's not like you'll accept or anything.

Just friends.

But why do I bother complicating it?

You said it yourself, we talk about porn and our personal lives. Isn't that what friends do? Talk about anything and everything that's on their minds? I feel like I can say anything to you. But I didn't.

As I got out of the car, I said, "Stay out of my dreams."

Your "what" was cut off by the door closing. I got to my car. And then you were gone.

What the fuck was that poor excuse for a drama queen's last word?!?!

So stupid, I must be insane.

Being around you, does that make me seem blonde?

Why did I say that? I probably just shot you down like she did.

Am I just a tease?

I say I want us to be friends and still I keep "flirting."

Insane.

Why can't I stop?

The whole drive home, I half wanted to cry, half wanted to die, and half wanted to touch myself in ecstasy.

Three halves. Three sides to the story. Yours, mine... and the accusing eyes of everyone else.

Did you really say that my words sounded arousing?

It's just the voice.

Let it tempt you.

It's not me.

Let it set fire to your imagination.

Did she really call you up and masturbate?

She, unlike I would, was faking.

Tempt you, tease you and just shoot your desires down?

You share your true self with me.

You don't trust people. You shouldn't. Hell, trusting me is probably an even bigger mistake.

I doubt myself more than you know.

Am I the voice on the other end of the sex line?

Let me be the girl. Let me be the voice.

Just don't hate me for wanting to get in the last word. The "writer" I claim to be could have done way better given a second chance.

I need a second chance.

Maybe another life where I was free.

But tonight, all I have is myself, my emotions, my heart ... my lust, my hands ... and my dreams.

There's always tomorrow.

And when that's gone...

... these secret words are all that will remain.

Sleep tight.

~~~Duo no Tsuin