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thanks REI, still a KS rant ___2003-10-18 - 12:00 p.m.

I've been away for awhile-- from this diary as well as my online fanfiction archives. I'm really sorry for that everybody (or should I start saying "anybody" since I have no proof that no one reads this but me), but I thought I could at least show you WHY.

On Thursday, October 9, 2003, I received an email that made my heart jump for joy at the subject.

"Kitsunetsuki: Shuurajou"

I felt so elated. After so long, someone wanted to contact me about this (what I had believed was forgotten) story. I couldn't WAIT to open it. I simply LOVE reading reviews! Especially ones for this story. Those that have contacted me through email or review have always been so supportive. Most of the time, however, I thought the reviews/replys lacked substance. Well, you should know the old cliche by now:

"Be careful what you wish for."

Jeez, I really should do that. Well, check it out. It took me over a week before I could reopen this email to type this out. (No, I still haven't replied to the email, but I'm trying to avoid sending a cut and dry "Thanks for the review! Keep reading" response that I so desperately wish to spit out and send back. Can you tell I'm frazzled? It only gets worse.) I'm still debating what, if anything, I should send back.

See for yourself.

***

"REI" wrote:

"Honestly I don't know what to say about your fic. This is not a flame, mind you, it is merely a critique. There were several things that just did not fit within your story, and frankly it was dry and over analyzed. In the first few paragraphs you mentioned a suicide then again towards the middle, and yet there was nothing to indicate that Heero killed himself. In fact you state that Duo choked him to death then threw him out of a window...and Heero speaking after being choked 'to death' or near death just screams wrong.

"I believe that you spent too long on the mental dialogue from WuFei without coming to any conclusions. He merely just repeats the same debate over and over again. Your thoughts jump around with no progression of the plot. One sentence he's wondering what's wrong with Duo and the next he's realized everything, but you never bothered to tell the audience what it was he realized. Something about building auras, spirits, the name of the school, and the environmental controls.

"There is also too much internal dialogue...period. You have minimal interaction between the narrator and the main characters of the drama. There seems to be nothing to the build up except the three encounters with Duo. One at the lunch room, one in WuFei's room and one in the library...all of which give no indication of what the plot is. Actually I don't really think I know what the plot is, now that I think about it, and I read the entire thing. Because the Duo, who we thought was Duo, was not the actual Duo and apparently this new Duo was talking with the old Duo and didn't like the way he was feeling but we only know this or the new Duo until the last paragraph. If you thought that was confusing and vague then you get the idea of how your reader feels. You must always remember that the reader knows nothing of how your story will end and therefore you must not 'assume' that they will fill in the blanks. I'm not telling you to rattle the plot like a set of cooking instructions but it must follow some kind of logical progression.

"For this fic does have potential, I could see that it should have been longer. Four pages isn't nearly enough to go from killer gundam pilot to spirit possessed jilted lover. I think you might want to take this and weed out alot of the repeating dialogue, and put in some emotions. It sounds as if WuFei has feelings for Duo, other than concerned comrade, and yet there would be more of an urgency in his inner struggle if it were true. You could also expand to include Duo's and Heero's perspective...so although WuFei's perspective might be vague because he can only go on what face Duo is presenting to the world, but Duo's perspective would give the reader the insight to know what is actually going on. Because Duo went from 'bouncy' to depressed to homicidal lover with no background information. I think that you should be able to save this piece if you work harder at letting the reader know what's going on."

***

Honestly, REI, I don't know what to say about your review. *heh*

I'm telling you now that, yeah, when I got this on Thursday, October 9th, it really ruined my day. (Hell, the last week going on two.) Not to say it's a "bad" review. It's just... "constructive criticism." I've never taken that well from anyone over anything. Actually, that's not true. If I hadn't been depressed already when I got this, then I might have taken it humorously. (But as I said before, I got excited about this! I guess my momentary opticism got let down)

All I can say is Rei ... where have you been? Guess you never read the author's notes saying that I wrote this YEARS ago?? (As of Halloween 2003, it will be 4 years.) I don't expect you've read anything else of mine, so you probably don't know if I have made any progress during that time. (I, personally, don't think so)

Yes, I'm grateful you actually wrote more than two sentences. ("I liked it! Keep writing!") But did you ever stop to think that this "non-flame" might affect the author more than your good intentions might desire? (Do NOT get me on the G.I. rant... we all know they pave the the road to Hell) Exactly HOW am I supposed to respond to this? "I see, I completely agree... I will do better next time. ^_^" Rei, there IS no "next time." This story is dead and done.

I must say, I think I told everyone the same stuff when it came out. (Can you tell I have NO confidence in my writing? Yup, I'm a total cynic.) But like my notes/warnings always say-- HAVE you read those?-- everything is the way it is for a REASON. Why is it "dry" and "over analyzed" with "too much inner dialogue?" Guess you never invoked Wufei to write a fic. *heh*

These are not "my thoughts" as you call them. They are Wufei's. If anything, this story is more a work of Wufei's mind than it is a story you just don't get. (In case you can't tell, Wufei never got it fully either-- hence the plot holes.) I first wrote this fic in a plain 3rd person narrative, (You think it's bad NOW, I should send you THAT P.O.S.) but it was absolutely horrid. So, I thought, who was there to see this (crazy scenario) unfold? My (at the the time) least liked of the five GW pilots. Uh-huh. I never "got" Wufei just as he never "got" this stupid story. But as I continued to write it, I began to seen the world through this Wufei's eyes. I grew even more cynical than I usually am. (SCARY thought!?!? O.O) When it was over, I realized how much I liked Wufei. ^_^ Not that that matters, right?

As for the plot holes, I've always asked my reviewers, "Do you think it needs a sequel to tie up all the loose ends?"

"Oh no! It's perfect the way it is!"

Yes, REI, there is one scene of a sequel written that begins to fill in some teensy blanks. Such as: why was Wufei powerless and frozen? Where are Trowa and Quatre and why are they acting so... odd? (Uh-huh, those author notes say that EVERYone is acting OOC.) But I thought that MY "true ending" might be interpreted by my loyal fans as a "cop out." So, I never finished it. I didn't want to touch the other stupid details that no one seemed to care about until the shitty sequel that is, to this day, unfinished.

And since no one wanted a sequel, I lost the desire to spend my time agonizing over one that made sense and wasn't guaranteed to piss of my audience.

Oh sure, I thought about having a total of THREE POVs during this story, but then I realized it would lose some of its power. Heero's feelings are meant to be a surprise during the "ending" for all observers: Duo, Wufei, and "you" the reader. (Yes, I left out Quatre and Trowa for a reason) If I wrote a POV with his perspective, his true feelings would be dragging out during the whole story and just making it more and more "dry and over analyzed." Thought you wanted me to avoid that.

As for Duo's POV... this has been debated countless times within my mind. I realized, again, that if I were to mix it within Wufei's POV, then it would detract from the shock value his single view point held with with the audience. The other option is basically a concurrent sequel or parallel story, a prequel might not work, with Duo's view alone. (It will be hard to leave out Wufei's witticism, though *sniff*) I think I have some of it written or at least planned out in some notebook somewhere. And yes, THAT would be the gold-- in theory. But after a few years, I began to think that no one cared anymore.

At least when "Kitsunetsuki: Shuurajou" came in third-place in the Angst Category of the Terror Unknown Contest, I felt good for a second. Other than the contest judges and myself, no one seemed to care about it anymore. So, afterthat, I decided to shelve it completely. In three more years, I can re-enter a redone version if I so choose, but I'm not planning on it.

Hell, I even toyed with the idea of a true prequel detailing the story of the "souls" that I mention. But I'm sure nobody would care since it would more than likely have to be an original. (I'm not that creative.)

"Kitsunetsuki: Shuurajou" is just as the name implies. A scene of bloody carnage brought on by a spirit possession. A one-time shocking event. I don't remember the name of Duo's proposed branch. Probably something like "Kitsunetsuki: 'Awakening.'" *shrugs* I don't remember off hand.

Overall, "Kit:Shu" is nothing more than a once in a lifetime creative burst. I've never written anything so "confusing and vague" that got such a lively response. I've strived to grow beyond it and do even better-- I've never thought I could ever write anything as good again.

But I know something you don't know. I, like love, am fickle. I grew tired of writing in a fandom that no one cared what I wrote and moved to others in hopes of finding an audience that could show me how to improve and grow as an author. Some might see that as a betrayal of my first fandom, but they don't know that I began in "Wrath of the Ninja/Yotoden." Just a joke on them, really.

And the main thing I know that you didn't: I suck as an author. It's the only thing I'm sort of good at, and I can't even do IT right. Pathetic, really. Leave it to me to leave my audience unfullfilled. What a sick joke life is.

I never assumed anything. I always believed KS needed something more. Was I wrong in listening to my audience? And yes, I put in odd little details that no one ever catches. I have to TELL them stuff. At least YOU mentioned the "enviromental controls." Yes, I could have gone on into a "Sixth Sense" explanation of drastic temperature changes... but I didn't feel anyone wanted to know. Again, it was to be left to the sequel that never was. Perhaps I "assumed" wrong in thinking that people would dislike it. (It really DOES suck!) Something else needed to be written first and maybe that is Duo's story. (pet-named "Duo Project") I always said that maybe if someone cared I might write more on the "Kitsunetsuki" universe. I keep saying, "Maybe one day." "Maybe one day" someone will give a damn like you did.

Thanks for caring, REI. The more I thought about it, the more I agree with you. (Then again, it could be the cynicism/depression/writers' block talking.) Most of all, I want to say thank you for putting the time and thought into your email. It meant a lot to see that someone still does care. Maybe one day if I get up the nerve, I will write out a more thoughtful reply and send it your way so you know the truth. For your eyes only.

******

This sizeable (and unfinished) rant was for myself and my invisible "audience" that I call my diary. It's not like anyone reads this thing anyway.

~Duo no Tsuin